Monday, July 23, 2012

The Numbered Wanderings of Mrs. Minivan

I let the keys jingle jauntily as I unlocked the door of my family’s black minivan. I always enjoyed the drive home from work; as an eighteen-year old working his first official summer job in Augusta, Maine, I received a pleasurable feeling of independence from directing some small aspect of my daily destiny. Part of this self-satisfaction stuck to the car itself, which I treated as a benevolent aunt—the kind who always gives the perfect Christmas presents and organizes exclusive, cousin-only outings at family reunions. Despite her questionable brakes and intermittent air conditioning, Mrs. Minivan and I got along well.
This particular day was especially auspicious. Now that work was over, I had been invited to spend some time at a good friend’s house before heading home. The only fly buzzing at the edges of my good mood was that in order to get to my friend’s house, Mrs. Minivan and I would have to take a cumbersome route, driving south on the highway 32 miles before turning east and driving 19 miles. If I avoided the highway and took the back roads, I was convinced that I would not only take the shortest distance between two points (only 40 miles!), but I would also enjoy the residential scenery more than the highway’s repetitive foliage. However, I swatted the fly away with a smile and decided to take the most familiar route. I crawled through the traffic on Augusta’s Western Avenue and turned onto the highway.
                That was my first mistake.
                It wasn’t long after I had pulled onto the highway that I remembered I had no cash for the toll. My wallet was empty, and the car’s coin drawer was devoid of bills. This was unfortunate, I thought, but not the end of the world. The tollbooth sat just off an exit, so I decided to simply bypass the exit and take the next available one. Then I would figure out where I was and how to get to my destination without paying the toll. The sign for my exit ran toward me, and I passed it with a jaunty lift of the eyebrows. Exploring unknown reaches of an unknown highway—this was the spirit of adventure.
                However, just as thunder dampens the spirit of a camping trip, so also the long stretches of highway dampened my adventurous mood. Surely there would be an exit soon, I thought. But the exit never came, and I kept driving until I saw an ominous sign: TOLL PLAZA AHEAD. I had been ambushed; there wasn’t even a benevolent exit to give penniless drivers a chance to escape. I felt the temptation to panic, but instead I rolled down my window and prayed that the attendant would be merciful.  
                “I’m sorry, but I don’t have a dollar for the toll,” I said. “I got on this road by mistake, and—”
                “You have no cash at all?”
                “No,” I responded remorsefully. A red pickup truck came to a stop behind me.
                “Well, do you have a personal check?”
                “No,” I answered.
                The attendant began to look desperate. “You don’t have a personal check at all?”
                “Wait a minute,” I said, as the light began to dawn. I did have my checkbook with me, tucked inside my work bag. But stopping in the middle of a tollbooth to write a check? Well, there was no other way. “Who should I make it out to?” I asked.
                One minute later, Mrs. Minivan exited the tollbooth, much to the relief of the cars behind her. As providence would have it, my effort to escape one toll had led me to a more expensive tollbooth that cost me twenty-five cents extra. And all that for the privilege of driving on a road that was taking me to an unknown destination that probably wasn’t where I wanted to wind up anyway.
That was the other problem. I knew I was going south, which was good, but I had a sinking feeling that I was also going west, which was not good. When I made the ill-advised decision to bypass my exit in favor of adventure, I did so with full knowledge of the signs that said I was going in the direction of Portland, Auburn, and Lewiston, three cities far removed from my destination. Of course, I had expected a friendly exit to appear and convey me to a more desirable location. But as the tollbooth shrunk behind me and the road twisted interminably in front of me, I felt my hope evaporating. I tried to keep my spirits up, but it was a losing battle. By this point I knew that I was going to be hopelessly late, and I could not understand why God had allowed this to happen to my schedule. How could a loving God permit such misery?
At long last, an exit sign sailed over the horizon and I jumped excitedly in my seat like a castaway in sight of rescue. I hadn’t gone all the way to Auburn, thank God, and I knew approximately where I was. True, I had gone far out of my way, but now I was on familiar roads and driving toward a familiar destination. This wasn’t exactly the spirit of unknown adventure, but what mattered now was that I was again in control of my destination. I put my blinker on as Mrs. Minivan turned out of the highway and into freedom.
I was sure that I knew the way to the center of town, but as time progressed the scenery began to look less and less familiar. My cell phone GPS confirmed my direction, though, so I followed its promptings off the main road onto a cross street. From there I turned onto Main Street, and from Main Street onto Edgecomb Road, a quiet neighborhood overhung by trees and interspersed with barns and fields. I passed a horse stable, and the road turned to dirt.  Fifty yards later, I came to a dilapidated set of planks laid over a ravine and stopped.
I didn’t stop because of the condition of the road; I yielded to the other vehicle that was driving over the one-lane bridge. It was a camouflage pickup truck piloted by a grizzled redneck in a battered white t-shirt, who stared strangely at Mrs. Minivan as he passed. His gaze irked me, so I adjusted my collar and pressed my dress shoe onto the gas pedal, certain that the GPS was taking me by a little-known shortcut.
However, sometimes the road less traveled on deserves to remain hidden. Formerly a smooth journey on genial asphalt, my trek on Edgecomb Road immediately devolved into a rustic safari over a ramshackle road filled with rocks, potholes, and mud puddles. Although her effort was noble, Mrs. Minivan was no match for the rough terrain. We plunged into puddles and surged over rocks with skirts lifted high, becoming alternately a pair of synchronized sky divers and exploding popcorn kernels. With each jolt, I imagined the car’s engine tumbling onto the road; indeed, several minutes into our journey down Edgecomb Road, a protruding rock struck the minivan’s underbelly with a sickening crash. In the tumult, I noticed a sign warning me that this was a private road: “Don’t abuse it or you’ll lose it!” In my case, the road was abusing my car rather than the other way around, and my goal was to lose Edgecomb Road as soon as possible. But the road kept going with no end in sight.
After several interminable minutes, Mrs. Minivan squealed to a stop. I was in front of a ginormous mud puddle of uncertain depth that stretched across the entire trail. There was no way to skirt around it; swimming was the only way forward. Mrs. Minivan eyed the foggy depths warily while I pondered my next move. I had heard tales of naïve minivans being mauled by rogue mud puddles, yet my mind urged me forward. The puddle was probably completely benign. This road undoubtedly led me to my destination; I was late and turning around would only exacerbate my tardiness. Most importantly, I had started this trek, and I was going to finish it. I was in control of my destination, and this was the route I had picked.
But as I stared into the gloomy puddle, I realized that I could not risk our family car on a whim. After all, I was not Moses. I put the car in reverse and bumped slowly to a small clearing, then turned the car around. I was defeated. Mrs. Minivan’s outdoor expedition was over.
My former adventurous buoyancy had now completely evaporated. I felt as though I had failed myself, since my efforts to arrest the evening’s downfall had only exacerbated it; I had failed my friend, since I was destined to be at least an hour late to his house; and I had failed my friend’s family, since they were waiting for me to eat dinner. Given the evening’s track record, I doubted that I would even make it to my friend’s house, so I turned off my GPS and called my friend to suggest that it would be better to rendezvous elsewhere. But then his dad came on the line and explained that they still wanted to have me over and didn’t mind postponing dinner if I still wanted to come. The grace that my friend’s dad extended to me in that phone call reversed the downward spiral of my thoughts. I was forgiven. All was not lost after all. I jolted slowly back down Edgecomb Road and onto Main Street; only later did I realize that all that remained was for me to relinquish my pride and forgive myself.
By the time I reached my friend’s house, I was fifty minutes later than expected but only twenty minutes late for dinner. That was okay, though. They laughed as I narrated the evening’s comedy of errors, and I laughed as they shared stories of similar situations. I had a great time: dinner was delicious, the conversation sweet, and the fellowship refreshing. When the night was over, I called my dad to let him know that I was leaving. He enjoyed my story of the evening’s misadventures, and when I was done he coolly instructed me to reopen the coin drawer. I was shocked: when I had first opened the drawer to look for toll money, my mind must have been so fixated on dollar bills that I overlooked the four quarters sitting nonchalantly on the bottom of the drawer. Mrs. Minivan had held enough money for the toll after all.

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